I usually don’t double and triple backup my writings. And therefore i often loose all texts that I’m writing. This one i almost lost but thank god for WaybackMachine!
14 days is my cycle of poetry i wrote in probably darkest time of my psyche.
It is meant to be read from biggest day number to smallest. Start from day 14 to day 1 for story of me, waiting for my first therapy appointment and trying to cope with it.
As a child going on through all abuse i had either spirituality or community or mix of both to help me deal with it all. But when i was writing this cycle i was waiting for my therapy to start.
Having in my mind all lies about how psychologists are going to make me a shadow of myself, how devil is going to ruin me and i will probably be possessed in the office and so on. I finally pushed myself through and went to get better in 2019.
I was a barely functioning adult, had just enough energy to cosplay in front of my husband but i needed hours of alone time to recoup after that. Life was crushing me under my past and i had no idea how to escape it.
But i did that leap of faith, i realized that what my religious peers were saying was just straight up religious bullying and that they simply wanted to keep me down.
I realized that i can’t hide anymore behind my doors and need to do something to escape this mess.
Choice was simple: I will either go to therapy or i will kill myself.
Thank god i choose the therapy.
Now i look back at my texts and i sometimes even cringe. But i know and respect time in which i wrote them. They are a little glimpse into my unbrushed mind of the time.
They are not meant to be revolutionary or extraordinary poems.
I want them to simply be a mirror to my past. With all the mess it entails.